Useless Magic

So a while ago I was brainstorming useless magic powers with a friend (this has since turned into a discussion topic between multiple friends of mine, a trend of which is as simultaneously enchanting as it is distressing). I thought I’d make a list of my favorites here, you know, because I’m compulsive and delusional and think this will add value to the internet. Feel free to leave a suggestion or six!

USELESS MAGIC MASTER LIST

Updated: March 10, 2014

• The ability to manifest a three foot long ponytail for the express purpose of helicoptering out of boring small talk .
• The ability to have a handful of confetti instantly ready for the occasion in which a friend has succeeded in a small, malevolent triumph, such as witnessing a nemesis spill creamer on the cuff of their chiffon shirt. (note: if your nemesis does not wear chiffon, you need to aim higher)
• Panini hands! Your hands can panini any sandwich. No BLT is safe.  No paltry sandwich bar will be the same.
• To appear in every photo, no matter the actual circumstance, wearing an elaborate Marie Antoinette costume, rococo gown and matching wig included, lace parasol optional.
• Being able to listen in on other people’s music at the gym.
• The ability to hear past the end of a phone call, specifically the 4 seconds where whoever you were talking to thinks they have hung up and proceeds to sigh loudly, then complain about how crazy you are, and how next time they’ll send you straight to voicemail because there simply aren’t enough hours in the day to withstand such paranoid ramblings.
• You know the little shell Ursula wears around her neck that snatches voices away from naive, bratty children? That.
• The tip of your left pinky finger is chapstick. Your favorite chapstick. Maybe even lip gloss if you’re feeling sassy.
• Any coin you touch can automatically be unwrapped to reveal a small, cheap chocolate.
• The ability to project your theme music into any room/bar/office moments before you enter.
• An uncanny ability to look so adorable while asleep that the people in the furniture store don’t ask you to please get up because you’re scaring away customers who are actually there to shop.

Got a suggestion? Make sure it isn’t racist, super gross, or–heaven forbid–actually useful, and leave it below.